The raven girl is grieving.
September 07, 2003 4:00 a.m.

For the longest time I've named all the subdirecties...but never hit on the real reason.

I had been wondering for awhile if I was somehow dead. ...I told Becky how Dahl and Libby and I didn't cross the Mississippi River when we came back from St Louis. ...I mean ...we HAD to cross that river,....but none of us saw it...so we are conviced that for some reason we didn't...we jumped dimentions or something. ...I told this to Becky and she wondered if we were dead,...saying how she had read lots of places about the dead not being able to cross bodies of water. ....And then last Tuesday at bowling I was commenting how my hands were freezing, and I had this lady on my team feel them ....and her response was that I must be dead and I didn't know it.

But the truth is I did die and now I'm grieving the me that was lost.

I know I keep going on and on about the Jeff thing, but he took something from me that was signficant. ...yes of course he took my first kiss....but that was just part of the big picture. He took from me a fair amount of my innocence. I took away my smile. (while I was with him my former local scitzophinic said I was always glowing, now when I look in the mirror there is no glimmer in my eyes, my skin just hangs on my face, and my eyes tell the true emotions in my heart.) I can't forget what it's like to kiss someone. So whenever I see someone kiss someone (particually in a movie) and I long for that, I remember how nice it was to kiss him (once I got used to it) and I realize how long it's gonne be before I have that again. ...The old concept of not knowing how far one is from their goal until they are standing right beside it. I really want to kiss someone again. I thought I was bitter about being single before...but no...now that I've had a taste it's all the worse. ...It's like when you get out of bed in the middle of the night. I mean when you first turned out the light it was quite dark and when you get up to get a drink you can make your way to the bathroom rather easily ...your eyes have become accustom to the dark. I mean sure it's not like walking in the light but...being used to it you tell yourself you don't really need it, and maybe your better off without it. But then you make that mistake and turn the light on, and no matter how briefly that light is on, when it goes out it makes the world seem so much darker than before. ...So he basicly increased the intensity of my loneliness. It's not that I want him, I just want back what I thought I had with him.

I've lost a number of my friends. I mean I didn't lose them but everything has changed so much that nothing is reconizable anymore. that part of my life has died.

I've entered this world of adulthood and the ocean has washed away my sandcastles.

And so I grieve, ...the girl I was. I liked her alot. I mean....can you comprehend 23 years without kissing someone? (ugh there's a movie quote at the back of my mind but it just won't focus) I'm no longer that 22 year old girl who hasn't been kissed. ...I'm the 23 year old girl that's a bad kisser. C is sexualy active now, and B is seriously dating someone in such a pure way that he has never experienced before. Both of logicly changed as a result.

And so I grieve.

And my mom keeps asking me to sort though all these boxes of things that used to be in my room, asking me if I still want things. I mean right now.....deciding on the fate of a box of trinkets I've had since middle school seems so insignficant and trivial, it pains me to do it.

Why do I need a single oil pastel? or 3 craft brushes or a dried out crayola marker. This shirt, that shirt, this little figurine, that t-shirt. ...Constant questions one right after another. AND I DON'T care! I shouldn't be doing this now. No one EVER likes sorting though the relics of loved ones.....especially those who have recently deceased.

I'm going though the stages of Grief, denial, anger (and I keep snapping at people), bargining, depression. Don't know if I've been bargining yet....but reading the discrpions of each of the stages was so accurate it made me cry. ...Actually, fuck the link, I'm posted it here.

Denial: In the denial stage we refuse to believe what has happened. We try in our mind to tell ourselves that life is as it was before our loss. We can even make believe to an extent by re enacting rituals that we used to go through with our loved one. Making an extra cup of tea for our loved one who is no longer there, rushing back to tell someone that you have met an old friend. Flashing back to times and conversations in the past as though they we here with us now. They can all be part of this stage.

Anger: We get angry. The anger can manifest itself in many ways. We can blame others for our loss. We can become easily agitated having emotional outbursts. We can even become angry with ourselves. Care must be taken here not to turn this anger inwards. Release of this anger is a far better way to cope with grief in my experience.

Depression: Depression is a very likely outcome for all people that grieve for a loss. This is what I would consider the most difficult stage of the five to deal with. There can be a the feeling listlessness and tiredness (today especially). You may be bursting helplessly into tears. Feeling like there is no purpose to life any more. (yes) Feeling guilty, like everything is your own fault. You may find you feel like you are being punished. (yes) Pleasure and joy can be difficult to achieve even from things and activities which you have always gained delight. (I start books and then lose motivation to read them ...among other things.) There can even be thoughts of suicide. (you have no idea. I've had some really scary thoughts. I woke up the other morning and tried to will myself dead. ..as if I could convince myself that I were dying and did...then it really wouldn't be suicide) There are many different ways in which this stage of grief can manifest itself. If you at any time in this stage feel like doing yourself any harm please do seek professional counseling (don't have the money for counseling. Ironic that as soon as I finally decided I should get professional help for this sort of thing it's no longer free. for I am no longer a student and can't attend the student counseling center). Self preservation is a must.

I eat but taste nothing. I drink but taste nothing. I hunger but nothing sounds good.