Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

The Frustration Proclimation
January 26, 2003 12:09 p.m.

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I'm rather frustrated now about a few things. ...several things. ....Sent myself into a panic attack the other night. ...hadn't had one of those in awhile.

What caused it? Well, one could say it was envy. But...it we acknowlege that all 'bad' emotions are derived from fear....it makes sense that it gave me a panic attack.

...Yes I'll admit it,...I've been getting very jealous in the whole B department. And I don't know why, and I don't want to...and I can't stand myself for it! I'm so angry and ashamed of myself for it! It's a constant issue! I'm either feeling the jealousy or hating myself for feeling jealousy. And I know it's affecting my behavior. I don't know how to act around him right now......Ugh...so I decided that I'm going to talk to him about it...maybe if he's available tonight. I want to just get it off my chest and appologies for my behavior.

And the truth of the matter is that it all stems from fear. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. I'm afraid I'm going to be replaced. I'm afraid that he is more importent to me than I am to him.

And I think this might be related to the fact that He is extremely physical with everyone except me. I'm afraid to touch him for fear of what his reaction will be. ....yet everyone else can paw him constantly. It just makes me feel like he likes me less than he likes everyone else.

Anyway I thought writing this might make me feel better,...and get it off my chest so I can to my homework for the evil freshman course I need to graduate....It was the only course available that met my gen. ed requirements that wasn't chemistry for physics. ..but Fuck. I hate it. It's a freshman class, so attendance manditory and therefore reflected in the grade. ...I have daily homework. Which fuckin' sucks. ...And it's not so much that I mind...or that I ever minded persay...it's just I'm not used to that anymore! I'm used to classes where I show up and take notes have 3 exams and a paper. ...Not this "write 2 questions about the notes per class" shit...and this "read the introduction and write and outline, and then pass it to someone and have them explain how you should revise it" shit. ...It's my fucking outline! I'll put in it what I want or think I need to remember. What does it fucking matter what someone else things I should put in it. GD. And I mean,...this is my only class that is so riged this semester. All the rest are studio classes with the over all concept of show up and work and get the work done. As long as you get the work done, that's all that matters. Freedom...not ridiculous structure that's meant to teach me out to "surive and get the most out of my college years" ...It's my god damn last semester!

I just want to not do the stupid outline and just call up my friend marty and get really plastered. I think that would make me feel alot better.

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