today we had our first counceling session with my dad.

It was seriously intense.

My dad admitted to us that he has know that he has had a problem for sometime but didn't want to do really do anything about it before.

Apparently an upper level judge (one different from the 'evil' one, the one who forced him into rehab) told him a year ago that he needed to do something about it, but he never told us this. And when this happened he 'decided' to cut back and not drink after 8 pm, and that didn't happen.

They sorta forced me into talking about things but I don't know if I was really much help, and I didn't realize that his drinking really had effected me like it had. I really didn't realize that the reason that I don't enjoy being at home...because there isn't anything to do, is all derived from his drinking, because he isolates himself, leaving everything like bills and thigns for my mom to do...so then she never wants to do anything, and I'm stuck with nothing to do in a isolated house.

Another thing is that they kept asking me how these things made me and I realized that I don't feel. I mean, I realized that awhile back, but I thought that I was better at this whole, 'feeling' concept. but apparently I'm not. I guess it is so entirely my nature now to suppress everything so deep that I can't feel the hurt that I don't feel anything, and it's not something that I can just turn of. So when they ask me how I feel, ....I don't! so it was hard for me to answer there questions. I said occasionally that I felt replaced and a few things like that, but never anything like "this makes me sad' or 'this makes me mad' nothing like that.

It also got me thinking about how this might explain the whole T thing...because I was thinking that the only feeling I can feel is rejection, but maybe what I'm feeling is not rejection, but the natural missing of my friend, and if I could feel the rejecting that I should be feeling maybe I'd get over him sooner....

I also got to thinking about how my dad has taught us (my mom and I, mainly me) how to respond to frustration like and alcoholic. I have a very short fuse and will often respond rather sarchastic and rudely when I shouldn't and it's not called for, and really I'm not all that annoyed or frustrated, it's just what I've been taught to do.

Another thing that I brought up in the meeting which really affected my dad, was that all of his college friend were alcoholics and who have since gotten sober,...but growing up I was around them all when they were drinking alot, and I have friends (b and c's dad) will drink some and they are Irish, so they have that addiction in there family as well, so I've basicly grown up thinking all this was normal, and dealing with it as such.

Anyway, so I've noticed that today all these things have actually started to make me feel and I've been fighting back crying alot today simply because it hasn't been convenant.

And I'm off to South Carolina tomorrow.