Faith, Determination, and Dragonlance.
November 13, 2002 11:19 a.m.

Panic attacks seem to have become part of my nightly routine. Every night now I read a little (sometimes a lot) Dragonlance and then go to bed, then I have a panic attack and realize maybe and hour into it that I'm going to going fall asleep anytime soon, so I sit up and read for another hour, and then attempt to sleep again, and usually toss and turn for and hour or two before eventually drifting into a few short hours of sleep.

This concept is insane.

Yesterday evening I was exhausted around 7ish (had been up since 8 on obviously enough on very little sleep) and I had a test to study for, so I opted to take a nap. I fell instantly into a deep sleep and slept solid for an hour (I set an alarm). the same thing happens when I go back to bed after my morning classes. I'll come home from class and fall into an immediate sleep and sleep for hours!

Last night I had a few realizations. One being the source of my panic attacks. My awful string of luck has caused me to expect the worst in most situations. And in regards to my life that is of course my looming failure. My inability to support myself and assortment of other issues which I am facing because of my ever approaching graduation. My current ideas of move far from home and set up residency to prepare for grad school. Realizing not that I'm leaving friends behind, but in the new location, out of classes for a year, certain options for friend making have been taken out of the equation and this scares me. The fact that I have to find a job and then residence before even moving down there. (I'm starting panic now....)

But....I realized last night that this is just another trial. A trial of fear. and I need to hold tight to my faith to get though it.

At one point my mind filled with wisdom. I would like to think it was God and not my imagination.

It told me that in order to achieve greatness one must have great courage, and because the steps to greatness are high and cause great fear. But by holding tight to faith and determination I can achieve greatness, I have been destined for greatness. I have gone though trials to become strong and humble, and thus it is for those reasons that I am inclined to not trust and to fear because why should I believe that out of all the people in the world, why should I be destined for greatness? And then I heard that I was given certain gifts and certain talents and instead of taking them for granted and letting them go to waste, I have worked hard with great persistence to strengthen and enhance them and after coming though great hardship I will be rewarded. All I need is faith and determination. Faith and determination.

And then I became aware of why the subjects of the books I read suddenly without any since of logic changed. It started with Harry Potter and thus carried over into Dragonlance. Harry Potter teachers one to remain innocent and to love, but to have great courage. Dragonlance exemplifies courage, and honor, and faith in God. All of these being qualities that I need to strengthen in my personal life. The characters are ordinary people thrown into extraordinary situations and have no choice but to rise to the challenge.

I'm reminded of a funny episode of X-files, Jose Chung's "From Outer Space". In it a dorky alien obsessed guy does something brave and he states, "I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a thing about courage".

I just have to keep telling myself, to have faith, and have the determination to get though everyday, and get up the next.