Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

drunk pessimistic insecurity, paranoia of heart ache.
September 16, 2003 12:30p.m.

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So I'm really drunk right now, so pardon any sense I might not make. Plus my internal monlogue is gone...that combined with my fast typing skills...who know's what I might say.

I don't think I've ever been more afraid of my attraction to another person. Okay I take that back I have been afraid at times of whatever I attraction I might occasionally have to be.

But I'm really scared of this attraction.

afraid that what happened with Jeff is going to happen again. .....not that exact situation...but afraid that I'll rid myself of another group of friends I can hang out with. I don't want that to happen. Plus I'm worried that someday soon my superficial side will take over. I mean he's NOT what I normally find physically attractive!!! I mean...he's pretty much the exact OPPOSITE of what I find attractive! I mean.....Jeff didn't fit in the catagory either...but he was closer. but I can't help myself....I look at him and wonder what it would be like to kiss him.....what it would be like to kiss someone else. I know what it was like to kiss Jeff....but that is it like to kiss him. ....ugh and I found myself wanting to hold his hand...or walk arm and arm with him...but what if I make some attempt to have a relationship with him....and it doesn't work out? I've lost not only his friendship but...this new group of friends.

In other words I've convinced myself that it won't work out. that the end is so horrible that it isn't worth sacrificing the presant for the means.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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