Gray Hair
April 23, 2004 4:48 p.m.

long ramble psychoanalyzing my appearance
April 23, 2004 3:32 p.m.

I have a tendency to be very aggressive with fashion. When it comes to how I adorn myself,...for the most part, I am in no way suttle. Even on days when I might wear a black, or a light blue, or pale yellow shirt....it is matched with some bright color to wear over it. I have several bright red shirts and sweaters. I have hot pink sweater that I love to death. Or a bright orange fleece (bear with me I have a legitimate point). I like dark eye make up and dark lipstick.

today I was taking pride in my personal style ...wearing my kakies that I've been addicted to for the past month...with my black bondage belt, my leather wrist cuff, a dull red tank top with spagetti straps and a black dragon design. under my black bra that has the thin silver stripe up the strap. My LARGE silver cross choker and my green and brown beaded choker ...Dark red lipstick, dark eye make up...my very tall sandles with the bondage buckles. ...big bold, gold india style earrings with red beds on the bottom.

I looked in the mirror and casually said to myself that "I want too look like I could eat you alive if I wanted to".

And then I had to pause as the full meaning of those words hit me.

When I whine about my cronic single nature to people....a common response is that guys are intimidated by me. Now....this was most recently told to me by one of the girls who works at Curves...and all she's see me wear is comfy pants and tees...and has heard my make conversation as I bounce up and down...........BUT....that's irrelevent. The truth is I do dress to intimidate. Now, granted I tell myself that I dress this way because I want to be an individual and I don't want to look like everyone else...that I want to have my own unique style,..taking things I like from everything...from preppy to hardcore to goth to bdsm to emo...to glam.

Libby once told me that when she was seeing me around she thought I looked strung out ...which I took as a compliment because I've always had this sick fasination with Heroine Chic, but since she has known heroine addicts ...yeah. ....but she said that when she met me that she found it odd that the way I present myself is almost entirely opposite from the type of person I am. I don't do drugs, I never have. I don't smoke, I am so sexually inexperienced. I have led such a sheltered life and this just doesn't seem to jive with how I present myself........and then once she really got to know me she realized that the way I present myself is exactly who I am. Aggressive and elecliectic, and Funny from time to time! ...I wear so many things (Like my Pink Sweater) because I think they are funny!

BUT I'm getting away from the point, the point is that it's a double edged defense mechanism. Yeah...I am very aggressive and primal. I am extremely aggressive in my art...and I have alot of opinions and a loud mouth and a vast sense of humor...as well as a high sex drive....(and a lot of sexual frustration) so why shouldn't that aggression be refective in my appearance?

But ...I do dress this way to push people away. subconcisely...if I dress like a "normal" girl then that means I am a "normal girl". If I wear kakies and a nice preppy shirt...with light make up and my hair Sydney Bristo style then....I feel like ...I will underestimated, my depth of interest will be underestimated. ....eh...maybe it's not that deep...maybe I would just find that boring. But why have I taught myself that that image is boring?

And in all this rambling I haven't quite figured out why I dress to intimidate.

Becky told me the other day that "normal" people find those who wear passion on their sleeve to be merely annoying.

Hmmm maybe I need attention....