Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Dream come true?
October 16, 2003 11:20 p.m.

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Okay so I've had an interesting little night.

I was with Mike in JL "Compact Discs" (formally named and still refered to as JL Records)

When I went to pay guess who was at the cash register buying something.

...this guy Sean...who is the former housemate of the guy I knew at Wabash that hosted all the parties. ...or maybe it would be better if I decribed him as Jeff's bestfriend's former housemate. Yeah...he was around plenty when Jeff and I were dating.

And He about SHIT himself when I said "Hi". He was so uncomfortable talking to me....I loved every minute of it. What's really funny is this whole situation kinda reminds me of that dream I had about Jeff exactly 10 days ago.

Oh and the best part is I was looking really hot! I was wearing my green skirt and my boots with a long sleved cotten top...it is kinda tight but really flattering ...which is hard to believe since I feel so fat now... Oh and my hair was down.

Oh....but yeah! he was SO uncomfortable talking to me....I loved it because he was acting SO Guilty like he just wanted to run and hide. And you know what?? He SHOULD feel that way! He let his friend do that to me. Oh plus I was with Mike...who is tall and blond (granted not as tall as Jeff, but tall). And given that JL is very close to the Catus and it's Thursday tonight....10 bucks says he was getting ready to meet all of them. ..Heh...I bet they talked about me. "Guess who I just ran in to. She looked good, seemed happy, was with some tall guy, didn't ask me about you."

Oh and I asked him what was up....and he told me that there is going to be a group of them doing this 'long walk" thing. ...apparently they are all planning walk a distance that usually takes 3 hours by car ...for what I can only imagine (based on the business card he gave me) is for Catholic reasons. ...He gave me the email addressed of 2 people to contact. (neither Jeff) but you can't tell me that he wouldn't be involved in some kind Catholic thing his best friends are doing.

Now...that's what I don't get. ...why would he invite me? Why would he give me that information? He's knows I'm not Catholic. Why would I want to spend my day hiking with my Ex. (I'm actually calling him that...that's healthy right? Progress? acknowleging that I was *EEK ...dumped.) Still why in the hell would he think that was a good idea. (the Raven girl's mind in overactive analyzation mode) Perhaps he was being polite and didn't think I would actually persue it. (and right now I leaning towards not persuing it.) Maybe he thinks that Jeff was a dumbass for brushing me off the way he did...and thought maybe if he forced us together maybe the situation might change. Maybe we can talk things over. Maybe he would appologise. Who knows. I'll just leave it at that.

Oh and my willpower had been wanning lately. It has been harder and harder lately to surpress my urge to call him. Not that I want to talk to him. Not like I want to hear anything he has to say, not that I have anything I really want to say to him. I just really miss that which once was. But I can't have that back. I am way too hurt and angry to see or talk to him now. My wounds are still fresh and bleeding. ("No of course we can't be friends, not while I still feel like this" Garbage Cup of Coffee)

but now.....I have no reason to call. ..If I were to call would lie to myself and think I was calling to let him know I am in town. ...if he doesn't know now...he'll know soon enough, Sean has a big mouth. With no effort made by me, my ball accidently fell from the upper levels of the gym in to his court....and I have extras. I don't need to go retrieve it. We'll see if he's man enough and honest enough to return it. ...of just selfishly keep it as usual.

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Zeldman

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