Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

disrupted thoughts
July 23, 2003 3:20 a.m.

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I have so much on my mind right now that I can't focus my thoughts, or maybe I just have no desire to do so. ......but I have a so many thoughts in my head and no real outlet. I have 3 'real' entries mentally formed but don't have the desire to type them. and I've been really depressed lately (see entries that are still in my mind that I haven't typed) so my depressive hypersomnia has returned....took a 5 1/2 hour nap this afternoon (reasoning see mental entry) so I can't sleep.

and all I can think about is Jeff. ...How I want to call him and how I want to see him...and what I want to do to him when I see him (wink wink nudge nudge) and then making the mental plan to call him (maybe he hasn't called but cause it's long distance and he's broke) thurs...or maybe weds....and what I'll say to him. ...Then throw in the thoughts that I'm assuming that I will get to talk to him again, that I will see him again....that if I call he'll actually take my call. and If I plan on going home this weekend if he'll actually take the time to see me. ...and then I start mentally noting how many days it's been since I emailed him...and how long it's been since I had the im conversation with him, and then how long it's been since I last spoke to him on the phone...and then how long it's been since he inniciated contact with me.....and then I remember how he forgot to call me with plans on the friday that weekend that I saw him...and how (while it was wonderful) I only saw him for a few hours that last saturday I saw him.....and ugh!

then though in all my angry thoughts I feel about him for doing this to me. whether he realizes what he's doing or not. ....knowing that I'm angry and hurt...and I'm angry because I'm hurt. and I can't seem to do anything about it.

And all these thoughts are so loud that I seem to be impieding my functioning in the real world. ..It's like the line in Fight Club "after fighting it was like everything else had the volume turned down". ...I've heard nothing but my own thoughts lately to the point that I have to ask almost everyone who says something to me...to repeat themselves because I honestly didn't hear it.

And just a bit ago as I was laying in bed unable to sleep with no release for this (not really feeling like writing an entry...not wanting to read anymore because the over flow of thoughts is hindering my comprehension of the reading (currently Fingerprints of the Gods (see mental entry #3) ...and lacking a book with a story to entirely lose myself in (Harry Potter or Dragonlance) ....and aching for release so bad that I had desire to cut myself...(something I've never done and maybe only once considered doing before but not for this purpose) that's when I figured that I needed to do something. so I got up checked the email ..read the only diary that had been updated...and typed this.

Hopefully typing this ..and getting those things out will help me relax enough to get to sleep (not taking account that my neck is insanely sore with this bizarre way I can only guess came for sleeping on it funny...whether during my nap or last night (see mental entry).

ugh.....to bed to see what tomorrow brings.

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