Displaced Anger.
May 01, 2005 4:37 a.m.

(again, there are more lovely and fun pictures....but with this yucky weather, I'm not in the mood to post them.)

I like that picture alot. Very dark.....but intense. (And as much as I love T-shirts and cargos as a good emo kid should....But as B put it...Queer Eye for the Straight guy exists for a reason. The boyfriend looked damn good as B proceeded to dress him up. I was grinning ear to ear and my face got totally flushed)

kinda like how I feel right now. This rain and cold weather is really starting to be opressive.

Work is just getting worse.

Operation New Job by my Birthday is in full swing. reading the paper every night, sending out resumes. Making lists of those places I actually have to apply in person, or get an application to fill out.

I've also been considering becoming a professional masseuse. Apparently I have a knack for it....could be a nice way to make a living. I don't know how much they make, but I do know they get great tips. something tells me it would have to be more money than what I'm making now.

Now sure how much the schooling would cost or how long it would take, but I did a bit of research online today, requested information from a couple of schools.

...........

Going along with my whole opressive mood.

Displaced anger is such an interesting thing.

I had a bad case of it while the boyfriend was here.

I'm sure it was a couple of things, PMS,...one major thing as well.

Here's what happened:

I got home from work and found that the boyfriend and the flatman hand been busy little angels and cleaned the whole fucking place! I'm serious! Vacumed, dusted,...the works. It was so beautiful, so fantastic....Amazing.

but then at some point little things started to erode my sudden surprise and euphoria.

First off, they had recently eaten without me,...leaving me to find something for myself to eat on my own.

Then, when I went to get my clean clothes from the dryer I found that my flatmate and taken my nice clean clothes and dropped them in my dirty clothes hamper....mixing them up with the dirty clothes that were in there. ....and the thing is...she has a bad habit of doing this.

So that made me very angry.

but...I was determained to do a bit of organizing in my room.

I decided to be a good girl and put the clean sheets on the bed.

But as I took off the old ones, I found that somehow the fitted sheets got doubled up. ...so there weren't clean sheets to be put on after all....all the sheets were dirty.

and some how this pushed me over the edge. I was seriously violently angry.

I was throwing things....shouting into my pillow....at one point I was walking into my room and I punched my door so hard! And this is a heavy, old, soild wooden door. Punching it so hard really fuckin' hurt! I felt my pinky go numb and start to swell and I was convinced I must have just broken it.

I jumped on my bed....now stripped of most of the sheets, buried my head and screamed into the matress.

and as I layed there, rolling around, my limbs flalling around, pounding into the mattress,...my head tossing around. ....I realized that none of it was making me feel any better. I knew that none of that should have made me so angry, I knew it was stupid and crazy,...and that I had something inside of me that I needed to let loose, but yelling, and punching, and throwing myself around wasn't doing the trick.

That's when I relaxed, took a deep breath, and allowed myself to cry.

I realized that none of that had anything to do with anything that had gone on that day......it was all about B's moving away. I had been in denial about it for so long....and then I hit me like a ton of bricks that he was going.

I went into the crazy ugly cry. big uncontollable tears just pouring out....loud sobs.....it was bad. ....just laying there sobbing on the stripped bed.

I kept thinking of all our long walks, and late nights,...and all the little things that I could do when he was around. Late night denny's runs...driving around late at night singing in the car, harmonizing...

at one point I just had to get up and blow my nose.

when I came back the boyfriend was stretched out on the bed reading the lovely book I loaned him.

I climbed on to the bed, and just took hold of his arm and held it close, hugging it,...burying my face.

He seem so sincerely hurt...concerned that it was he who had upset me...when it had nothing to do with him.

I just held him close, burrowing myself closer...and shook my head indicating that it wasn't his fault.

I was so upset, and embarressed, and ashamed....I didn't want to be acting so horribly. I didn't want to make him feel bad. Again, embaressed and ashamed. and I couldn't speak the words to tell him what was wrong....the reality of the acknowlegement just hurt too much.

I think he realized this because he started to ask me what was wrong,...in a multiple choice manner. He'd ask, and I'd shake my head....and on the second option.....he hit the nail on the head.

and then he just held me close because I think he really understood.

And while he did make the occasional comment which was meant to make me feel better,....I liked that he wasn't telling me not to cry, or that I shouldn't be crying.....Because the truth is....This is a big deal! It's worth crying about....These are real emotions.

One thing that kept coming to mind, between flashes of B and Raven's greatest hits, was the scene from Garden State when our 2 leads are sitting in the bathtub together after the walk though the rain.

thinking about how bad it hurt...and how it's amazing how much I'm feeling now....and how wonderful it was to have someone who I care about there to hold me close, and comfort me, and look after me. "I've been looking after myself for a long time" (Carrie, Sex and the City) It's nice to have someone else to look after me.

I loved feeling his arms around me....that's exactly what I needed. it made me feel so warm and secure....safe....wanted.

it was such an amazing, intense, emotionally pure experience.

One thing I can't help but think about is how odd it is that as soon as the boyfriend really came into my life....my best friend is leaving.

The truth is, I don't know how I could handle this without him.

the idea of being all alone, feeling as though no one cares about me....and then to have my best friend move so far away.....I don't think I could handle it. I think that would just be another blow. I'm sure I would be so crazy depressed.

But....instead...I'm taking it instride. I had my good cry, and now I'm dealing...looking forward to Dragoncon when I see him again.

I guess the thing is....the boyfriend has bought me hope.

I'm happy, and I'm hopeful that the world can change, and that good things can happen to me.