"Get used to disappointment"
August 16, 2003 3:26 a.m.

I was talking with B and I referenced the hpp's woman....and B told me that they had broken up awhile ago.

Apparently the hpp was boning one of the ceramic grad students. (who isn't all that attractive).

I have so much respect for this man and then I find out, not only did he cheat on his very serious girlfriend but he did it with a student!

He was hired in for the year as a temporary prof until they can find a replacement for the prof that retired last year. ....B says that he thinks it's this situation which kept he from receiving the position.

I just seem to be constantly disappointed by people lately. ...I have this flaw....I believe people are inherently good. ..I believe in innocence until proven guilty. I believe people are good until they give me reason to believe otherwise.

Again, this has been biting me in the ass a lot lately. ....1. the whole Jeff thing. and 2...

Little Maria made me so angry the other day. In short she got into my printmaking locker (which wasn't locked) and used my plate-wiping cloth. It was so saturated with ink (and possibly paint thinner) that it was no longer usable. ...And my sheet of unused cloth was missing too. I'm convinced she stole it...entirely circumstantial. ....I was planning on confronting her about it the next time I saw her ...which was today. ...But when I saw her I just decided it wasn't worth it. I was really tired (pulled and all nighter in the studio) and I've been sick for awhile ...and it just seems so insignificant in the grand scale of things. ....I just decided, fuck it, why do I need to confront her about it? It's not an issue of avoiding confrontation, but rather an understanding that the confrontation would serve no purpose. The class is over, I don't need that cloth anymore, I'm moving so I won't see her much anymore, and the only real purpose would be to show her that I knew and that I wouldn't let her think I was so stupid to not figure it out and let her get away with it, but I didn't need to play that power game. I just said fuck it and left it at that.

Plus I really wasn't angry with her. ...I mean I was but my anger was really a reaction to the fact that again I was trusting and someone came in and took something from me. ....hurting me in an entirely senseless, selfish and unnecessary way.

This was entirely an example of displaced anger. I wasn't mad that Maria used and took what was mine. ....I was mad because Jeff hasn't called.

I told this to Libby tonight and she said she was very impressed that I was able to recognize that on my own.

I'm tired of being disappointed by people. ...But it's something I'm gonna have to deal with because I don't want to become jaded and bitter (any more than I already am) and believe as B that all people are inherently evil. I want to believe the good in people, even if it is unrealistic.