Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Why needlessly destroy a fantasy?
January 16, 2004 2:35 a.m.

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I am very good at living in a fantasy.

I am very good at mentally transporting myself somewhere else and interacting with that situation as if it were real.

This is the exact nature of my relationship with the nz guy. I have 2 and a half years of fantasy built up where he is the key player.

Yeah....I know the reality of the situation, but that doesn't need to be brought up. I HATE when people do that. I hate when people do or say something that forever destorys the fantasy. Sometimes fantasy can be a house of cards. If the situation becomes too real and certain things are learned than it will fall and be destoryed, never to be built again. And I like this fantasy! I like it alot!!

We were AIMing tonight and he said a few things that started to eat at the fantasy, which irritated me. We both know the reality of the situation and bringing it up only needlessly complicates things.

One of the things is that he told me very casually at length about this one chick he wants to sleep with. And again....I never intend to meet this guy, it is just not plausable reality (even if I did that kind of thing, which I don't). ..and I'm sure he dates plenty of women, but I don't need to know about it. Hell he could be married for all I know (though I really don't think so)...maybe his "Flatmate" is wife? ...What do I care? it's a fantasy! It doesn't matter. Don't tell me about girls you want to sleep with!

And another he keeps bring up (he always has but a bit more lately) is how really wants to call me. I don't want him to call me!! of course I can't tell him why, I have to think of another (logical) excuse. I don't want to hear his voice. I have this mental perception of what his voice is and if he calls me....and I hear it...and it's horrible....I mean he could have the most nasal voice...or...I dunno, but I think that even hearing his voice and if it wasn't pleasing to me it could destory my whole fantasy and make it so I don't want to talk to him anymore. And I've been conversing with him for so long that losing that situation would really suck. It's been my conversations with him (these my late night diary entries that I get out of bed to write so I can clear my head and sleep....) that have kept me sane lately! I've said before that I've missed him way too much and that I think about him way too much, and that's unhealthy. I know this. But if he wasn't around who knows what I'd be doing to fill the void he fills.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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