I went to that party
February 22, 2004 4:22 a.m.

I went to the party. I ...generally, had a good time.

Jeff was there.

I ignored him the entire evening.

And we're not talking normal ignore-ation. We are talking serious fucking ignore-ation. ...Like I could be sitting in a room and when ever my eyes were (for whatever reason) in his general diretion, they blurred and really never got a focused look at him.

Now, this isn't that I just didn't see him, no....it should have been apparently obvious that I was ignoring him, it almost becomes the level of shunning. ...I just simply did not acknowledge his presance. This was more than just refraning from being in the same room as him.....but that did happen as well...

At one point I was sitting on the couch...got up.....and when I came back he was sitting where I was. ..so I just nocholantly, without making any acknowledgement of the situation. watched over, picked up my wine glass and went to the kitchen. this happened a few times actually.

later on I road in his new car when his housemate drove us to get wine and film (jeff didn't go). I was standing right there when Jeff said to take his car.

On point he sat almost directly across from me...and again....my eyes did not focus on him.

Later on I migrated to this back room where there was a gathering of people ...and I stayed there for awhile... finally getting the comfy chair. And Jeff came in and sat down right next to me. I really acted like there was no one there.

My possible regret came as the party was winding down. I was thinking I might stay the night there and was laying else closed on the couch in the living room. ....Jeff was one of the last people to leave. (forth from the last and to be lame I did end up leaving right after he did). I laid there ignoring the fact he was in the room, half way pretending to sleep. and I was listening to him talking to a few people, and I started remembering what it was I liked about him.

At that point I had the slight glimmer of a notion to get up and follow after him once he left the house. ...to applogize for my behavior..and then afterthat ...I don't know what. That's what I regret. Getting all dressed up...being constantly aware of him....having him right there what I seemed to have been wanting....and ignoring it,...not acknowledging it's exsistance. (whoa that's deep, I just got a chill, freud where are you?)

but I feel bad for treating him so horribly. I don't think I've ever treat someone one so horribly. And yeah, I can say, well he deserved him....or...what has he done to receive a civil gesture from me. ...But at the same time that's proving how cynical he made me. ...The fact that I could be that horrible to someone.

and I can sit here and say it was willpower, and curse my willpower, and say "what has willpower ever done for me" and then my numourous accomplishments derived from presistance and hard work flood my mind.

But really, I'm starting to wonder if this whole "willpower' thing, or self worth thing I coralate with this situation or rather any romantic situation is really just a bull shit defense mechinism.....that really I'm just afraid to open myself up to some what physically (and possibly emotionally) and I refuse to let myself get anywhere close to that situation, and I'm sure my previous experince with him only served to strengthen that.