long entry on why the Ceramic boy sux.
November 21, 2002 6:24 p.m.

What's the story? well.

Saturday night/Sunday morning (3:30am) right after I finished here, I wasn't tired so I decided to go out to the 3d studio and see if the Ceramic boy was out there. ..He was. I stayed and talked with him while he worked until around 7am. It was really wonderful. He told me a funny story or two, told me some sort of sad intimate details from his past. We talked about music and movies, he's a big fight club fan. He loaned me a cd.. then...upon noticing it was 7, I was about to go, but he asked me if I was hungry, and I said yes, so we went out to IHOP. we were there until around 9.

Then, Sunday night I went back to the studio because I needed to working on some things, and at one point he came in and visited me over in the metal sculpture area, which I sure was specificly to see me because this is out of his way and he had no other reason to come over there. then occasionally I would pop over and see him. I loaned him my Vines cd and one of my Normals cd's.

Monday, I saw him briefly but not much.

Tuesday I was back in the studio working on things for class. Again he popped over a few times to see me. He told me that The Vines were playing in Louieville in Dec. and shortly after that the same venue would have Otep. ....Later on after I had finished was I was doing (around 11pm) I was heading home but stopped to see him on my way out, and ended up staying until I think 3:30am. again he told me a bunch of stories about back home and his undergrad years. It was all very cute. and of course I told my share of stories. ....I just really felt that there was something really close that had developed. I mean I have known him for about a year now, but things just sort of changed.

In fact my friends were telling me that we were dating after the IHOP thing because that would be the 3rd time we've gone out for food and he has paid.

but yesterday I was talking with this other grad. He is an absolute genius. Really he his. He works with wood and the things he builds....no words can decribe how good they are. He is a rather quiet continplative guy. So we were talking and he asked me if I liked this other ceramic guy..and I told him no and he asked why, blah ba blah...and started asking me questions about my being single and what not....and for whatever reason he manages to make me comfortable enough that I tell him about my infatuation with The Ceramic Boy, and how it seemed that our relationship had changed recently and that I was really confused by it.

He then proceeds to tell m that the Ceramics boy has a very very VERY serious girlfriend back home. In fact he said that the he told him maybe a week prior that he thinks he might have found 'the one'. I tried to play it off pretty well, stating matter-of-factly "good to know" (think Girl, interupted). But really, I was extremely upset. And you know, it really wasn't the fact that I couldn't have him that upset me, I mean I dig him, he's really cool and really cute, but it's just an infatuation. What really upset me for the rest of the night can be explained by a Gattaca quote, "I was never farther from my goal when I was standing right beside it".

It hurt so bad and I had allowed myself to get my hops up, especially so quickly, and almost convince myself that my life was about to drasticly change,...and then it doesn't. All the thoughts I had about being embraced by someone....the sleepless nights I had in anticipation of something exciting happening in my life. All that glowing hope, crushed, AGAIN. This always happens to me, always! everytime I get a crush on someone, my hopes go up and then I come crashing down, and that's what upset me. I'm sick and tired of looking around at happy couples to know that I have never felt that, and it's times like these when I feel like I never will. OH! and I should have known better!!!! I was told by someone that he did this EXACT same thing to he roommate! I was freaking warned!!!! and still let it happen. bad me.

~sigh~ haven't talked to the Otep boy in awhile. I've seen him around but he hasn't come up to talk to me....One of those times was yesterday...he was sitting listen to held phones in the middle of the union, and I walked my usual way out like I didn't see him (he hadn't spoken to me anyway) because I was on my way to ask the Ceramic boy if he wanted to go see Signs with me and my friends, if I knew then what I know now.