Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

dating breakthrough
February 17, 2004 2:46 p.m.

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So yesterday I had a realization. ...maybe a breakthrough. This might sound strange if you will, but for some reason I've always had it in my head that I couldn't date someone I wouldn't marry. Or rather have a long term commitment with. Now I’ve said this a million times, and I meant it ever time....I’m not looking for that significant of a commitment. I have no desire to be married in the near future. I think it’s a bad idea for anyone to get married before 25, especially someone like me. ...but I guess somewhere along the line I got it in my head that if a person possessed qualities that would make them unmarriable then that meant there was no propose perusing them. One example of this is Mr. X.

So yesterday I was thinking about the party that is coming up on Saturday. It’s another party with the Wabash people and I was debating about going. However long ago when I got the invite I asked my friend Aric if he was going. He said he had to work but he might think about getting the night off. I told him that if he was going then that would be a reason for me to go.

Aric is unmarriable for several reasons. For one, he’s Manic Depressive. Now I don't have a problem with someone being MD (I've wonder if I am from time to time) but I really wonder sometimes about him. 2, he’s a drug addict (though how sever, at this moment I do not know, maybe he just does pot now...but I heard from someone else that he used to do more.) Now again, I know people who have done hardcore drugs (libby) I just never saw myself being involved with someone who that that issue. And 3. I don’t think I could picture myself being physically intimate with him in any way. But he’s an awesome guy and I am always so confused how someone as smart and brilliant and beautiful as him would want to be friends with me. He’s an amazing poet. He knows so much about literature and philosophy. I really picture him as this ragged and worn teddy bear. Oh and he's also very knowlegeable when It comes to computers.

Yesterday there was a guy in the office working on the computer system. I couldn’t help but think to myself, ‘wow he’s cute in that goofy computer dork kind of way”. Floppy hair, squishy body. And then I started thinking, maybe instead of chasing after these skinny, artsy, emo boys I need to chase after a teddy bear type computer dork.

I also started thinking about how T is my ideal perfect guy, and how, whether I realize it or not I compare every guy I meet to him in order to determine whether or not he is dateable. T was physically perfect. He wore the perfect clothes, he was an amazing artist. He was so smart. He listened to great music. He liked great film and he had a fantastic sense of humor. I started wondering if I really am just trying to find another T. maybe I don’t like certain qualities in a guy (look, style) maybe I just liked them on him and I liked him so much that it transformed itself into being the exact qualities I look for.

They say we date (or maybe in my case become attracted to) the same person over and over again. I seem to fall for a certain type of guy who always runs away at the last possible second. (Although Jeff was not my usual ‘type”, though he is more my type than say, Aric.). Maybe I need to change my ‘type’.

And I got thinking, what if I did start dating Aric. I’ve always said I want to get married eventually (which is why dating an unmarriable is bad)….but what if I don’t? I mean, I don’t want kids or a house in the burbs. I don’t want to be a soccer mom. So if the worst (and again I’m not trying to jump to conclusions, just stating possibilities) thing about dating Aric is that we never marry and simply have a long lasting, artist/poet bohemian relationship……..is there anything wrong with that?

Hmmm I have to be careful in deciding whether or not I want to pursue this.

Oh, and the thing is....I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me. (One night at a wabash party after almost everyone went to bed he gave me a nice back rub, and at first hands were moving over my shirt, but without my even realizing it he was moving them under my shirt, but he stayed on my back the whole time, perfectly respectable.) And he's a hopeless romantic...and I think he's pretty lonely, but he's the nice guy type that would not hit on me unless he was really drunk, so if something were to happen between us it would have to me who innicated it....and I'm not going to do anything remotely close to that until I've really weighed all the possiblities.

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