Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

freaking T-boy again, when will this end!
September 09, 2001 12:23 p.m.

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alright, I hate having long entries about personal shit, but it's my diary and I'll write about what ever it is I feel like writing. Maybe some day I'll write about pointless nothing again.

Basicly last night I had an emotional breakdown. I went though alot last night that just lead to that. A bunch of little things.

I went to my first party.....where someone had a serious case alcohol posioning.

And a friend of mine was very innocently flirting with me....And he's Crazy about C, and she is crazy about him,...And so I felt very guilty about enjoying this attention, because I never get it. I had a long conversation with B about this. He said that I should not feel guilty about wanting to be happy and feel like a girl He says that he knows I have not intention of persueing it and I just enjoy it for what it was.

But, along with the guity was the idea that I enjoyed it, and i don't expect to have anything like that happen to me anytime soon. There's just no one I'm interested in.

The B asked me what exactly it is I was looking for, and why no one I seem to meet, expect T, seems to have it...So we got into this discussion about that.

cutting things short, I always feel bad when I whine to B about all my problems, because in the grand skeme of things that don't seem that big, and I was apploging to him as I was leaving. And I started thinking this morning....I think I thought all night, I didn't get much sleep, ...I realized how ashamed I am for not being over T. I mean...I hate that I still feel the way I do. HATE IT! HATE IT! HATE IT! I dunno, maybe I expect my life to be a sitom. Expect that I can just will my emotions out of existance. I mean, really,...he's just a boy,...plenty of fish in the sea right? Well, that's the thing, This might sound obcessive, but seriously, what if I never meet anyone else like him....or maybe not specificly like him, but somebody that makes me feel like he makes me feel when I'm around him. And again, this might sound obbcessive or stalker-ish, but I have a connection with him. I don't know exactly what it is, but it's there.......and yet he doesn't seem to notice, or maybe he doesn't care, or..................I don't know. I dunno, I think I hit the point last night/early this morning where I can't got back to denial, I just have to exist with the pain of knowing there's this amazing person out there........and he doesn't want me.

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Zeldman

Otep

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