grrr the boy again.
October 24, 2002 12:22 p.m.

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~sigh~ I've being thinking alot about my lack of boy situation.

I find myself thinking about the Otep boy,..only in the sense that I would like to see him, but have no means.

I've been thinking that the ceramic boy is pretty cute,..and seems to be more flirty with me lately, but again nothing changes.

...and how I do want to see T,...for whatever reason,...and that doesn't happen.

....I just keep reaching the same conclusion, ...that once again I'm living the Fiona Apple song. Paper Bag. "I was starring at the sky, just looking for a star to pray on or wish on or something like that, I was havin' a sweet fix of a daydream of a boy whose reality I knew was a hopeless to be had, but then the dove of hope began it downward slope and I believed for a moment that my chances were approching to be grabbed, but as it came down near, so did a weary tear, I thought it was a bird but it was just a paper bag".

Everytime I have a hope in regards to a boy it is always crushed or left unfulfilled. which becomes quite bothersome, and tiresome after while.

But ~sigh~ maybe it's for the best. I'm always hearing about arguements people have with their signficant others, and how relationships are hard work and what not. ..maybe at this point in my life I don't need the extra headache of making something like that work.

But ..at the same time. I am 22 and there is this whole world out there that I have never experienced...that everyone else seems to have. and I don't just mean sexually, I mean the little things. ..the little affectionate things...hugs, holding hands, cuddling. ...The desire for someone to feel about me the way I feel about them. I want there to be someone who can't stop thinking about me, someone who wants nothing more than to talk to me, someone who is giddy for days after speaking with me. I want to mean that much to someone....and to know that I mean that much to someone. that's something I have never experienced. ...I've had the hope of that before. T's face used to always light up when he saw me, but he left. The one thing I fear more the the thought that he cut me out of his life, that he is intentally avoiding me..not going to places I go because he knows I will be there and the doesn't want to see me.....The thing I fear more than that is that I was so insignficant to him that he doesn't care either way if he sees me or if he doesn't. I fear his indifferance. Because if he were avoiding me I would have had to have made just in impact on him that he is making the concisience effort to avoid me.... but if he is indifferent, than there is absolutely no change in his life now that I am gone. meaning, I brought neither good nor bad into his life. I was never signficant to him an anyway,...just another face in the crowd. that would hurt more than anything. ...but I find it unlikely so very unlikely because of all his actions that said otherwise. This would make every instance where I was singled out to receive his smile entirely insincear. ~sigh~ I think I better stop thinking about this now.