Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

depressing inchoherent rambling.
May 08, 2003 3:34 a.m.

Related Reading

So I've been feeling pretty depressed lately. Part of it is graduation. ..Actually it might be all centered around graduation. My fear for the future, the jump from one life to another. ...the looking back on the "never was and never will be". Actually in regards to that I came very close to asking Pryce for T's contact info...but I didn't. And..in regards to that when wrote before that I was going to do it,....I, like always, changed my mind by morning...so the fact that I was considering it....says alot..I mean it was 3 in the afternoon not a typical time for those type of thoughts.

anyway, I've just had this over all feeling of unfulfillment, I don't know quite how to explain it, don't recall feeling like this before..I mean...I feel kinda depressed but I'm not. I'm hungry, but I'm not. I want to eat something, but nothing seems right. I don't want salt, I don't want sugar, chocolate, pizza, meat, pasta. I don't want to drink anything, not a margariata, not a glass of red wine, not the nasty plum wine I bought to watch death to smoochy. I don't want brown sugar oatmeal, or rice, or fruit coctail, not chips and salsa. not coffee, not any fucking thing in my apt, and nothing outside of it. I want something but I don't know what it is! Is it depression? is it sexual frustration? Is it Travis? Is it B? Hell, I even dressed up cute (smelling good) and went out to the 3d building and hung out with the ceramic guy. I'm totally goin' to hell for that one. But I know he loves his wife and would never do anything and I'm a good girl. See I just keep telling my self that I can still be friends with him even though he's married. And I mean there was no flirting just good conversation.

I even went unsuccessfully looking for my friend Libby to talk with her.

I think I'm just incredibly lonely. People can say all the want about how wonderful it is that I have morals and standards and self worth, but ya know all those wonderful things dot mean anything when I'm alone with myself from 2 am till 5 am, the once I'm in bed forcing myself to stay there so I don't get up and do something stupid knowing once I fall asleep and morning comes I'll feel bad for having such thoughts.

The hypocondriac inside of me has been wondering if I'm bi polar. ...not hard core...but a mild case...or maybe something along that lines. I was reading some of the symtoms and so many of them seems to fit. One symtom delt with sleep patterns....a mix between insomnia and hypersomnia. I mean I'll go a good stretch where I'll get maybe 4 hours asleep a night, and then I can sleep 15 hours straight. boom 15 hours from hitting the pillow till first moment I open my eyes. (that means no getting up to pee) And the site referenced racing thoughts as a sign of manic..and that everyone's manic is different. I mean, I have a fast mind anyway, but I've referenced by panic attacks before and one of the things I've said is that when I have a panic attack the speed of my thought increases an insane amount ...which can be handing at times but...yeah.

anyway enough of my depressing incoherent rambling. I might finish watching this ep of 6 feet that just started....or maybe I'll go read Harry Potter. .....Oh and it should NOT bother me as much as it does that I do not own the Chamber of Secrets on dvd. ..But I'm cheap and I refuse to spend over $15 for it. I'll wait and buy it at blockbuster for 10...or maybe at the Columbia House employee store for 7.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

Currently Reading