Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

ramblings about my friendship with B.
December 30, 2002 5:02 a.m.

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So I've been thinking lately about my friendship with B. ....Thinking how it's the type of situation that most people think should change in some way. Thinking how I allowed my friends to convince me that I was unofficially dating the ceramic boy...but how I claim that when I have dinner and a movie (featuring wine) alone with B at night is just 2 friends hanging out.

And it just seems like the world likes to take friendships like he and I have and change them into something romantic when that's the last thing I a want.

For example the movie My Best Friend's Wedding holds no interest to me because it's just to weird for me personally, the idea of loving your best friend in that way.

And tonight I watched Little Women (The Wynona Rider verison) which is a movie that usually irritates the hell out of me. See, I've been in love with Christian Bale since Newsies and the idea (even to this day) of her turning him down when he purposes the angers me,...I just can't believe she does that! ....but tonight, I started thinking that my relationship with B could be somewhat comprable to theirs, and if I was in her position...I might have the exact same reaction.

I've often wondered if I had more dating experience (maybe I should say SOME dating experience) I wouldn't have the relationship with him that I do,...I might have just been of those girls that became infatuated with him and flirted with him a little and that would be that. But when I met him he was dating on of my friends at the time, and I never found him attractive. I've only recently started to acknowage that he's attractive but...he's not my type.

Anyway..I've been thinking about his lately and just now I was reading in Nakedgirl's diary and she wrote about her relationship with a good male friend of her's: "somehow we just knew that we could never date. that things went so much deeper with us. that we could be physical and love each other and transcend from a word like "date."

everything is getting messy lately. people talking crap. people letting me down. relationship drama. parents moving. so much messiness. but everything will be okay.

it's good to have that one person who can make you feel that way with one phone call. "

I agreed with that. I identified with that. And it shows to me that there other people in this world who have relationships like this...and it's okay.

I am Raven Green. I have a loving, intimate relationship with a male that I have no desire to take further...and that's okay.

maybe this has something to do with the fact that I'm a girl. Maybe it's that whole society brainwashing that coinsides with the belief that being single is a curse. Maybe it's part of that belief that a woman is nothing without a man, and because this is the type of relationship (excluding sex) that a woman expects and desires to have with a husband..and the fact that I'm not pursuing it as such makes me wrong.

And regarding sex, as I begin to understand more about my self and my sexuality and start to acknowlage more and more what I like and what I do, I'm realizing more and more that the man I marry will have to be very sexually adventurous.

and I remember thinking that girl B marrys will have to be very sexually adventurous because he is... ..This could be another means for trying to say that we should take our relationship beyond friendship....but no matter how 'perfect' it might seem...I have no sexual desire for him! As I mentioned before inregards to the pictures I took with him...I can't think of him sexually,..I was so uncomfortable posing for those pictures, not to mention even looking at them. ..I posted them because they are good pictures...but I can't bear to look at them.

Again, I am Raven Green. I have a loving, intimate (non sexual) relationship with a male that I have no desire to take further...and that's okay.

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