The girl who B is honestly to goodnessly in love with came up to visit him this weekend. And this chick is awesome, I dig her alot, and I used to remember how I thought they were so cute together. ..They had actually been secretly engagged for awhile. ...they might still be for all I know.

But...I used to always know when he was on the phone with her because his face would light up, and he would talk to where slightly different then he did everyone else. ...that also goes for when I saw them together, His face would light up in a way that was only with her and nobody else.

but now, I'm feel really weird and out of place being around the 2 of them. and I feel a slight tinge of jealously ...and the truth is that I know I shouldn't, and I hate the fact that I feel it, so part of me wants to over compinsate so I'm not acting like I'm feeling jealous, but I am convinced it is very obvious. but the thing is, I have no reason to be jealous, it's not like I want to marry him, because I clearly don't,

I dunno, like I forementioned, I am entirely confused by the situation. Grrr wish the Tboy would just show back up again so I could develope a crush one him again.

Hmmm part of me wants to talk to C about this because by hiding it and ignoring it, it is almost like I'm ashamed for something entirely natural. Maybe if I talk with her it will make more sense.

One. There is a strong possiblity though my stupidity and carelessness, as well as the unrepressible desire to update, and actually see what my posting looks like,.....that people whom I don't want to be reading this, might be. Damn explorer. In short, I looked at my diary on C's parents computer and thus the location will be saved on it, and she could stumble upon it and read it, which I really wish that she would not (if she's reading this now) ....and who knows who she might have given it to, or who might have found it on there own (B, J...) Anyway, I've been trying to avoid incriminating entries, writing about things that a re the last things on Earth I would want them to know. So again, those of you, and you know who you are (if you are reading this) stop reading right now, I don't want to remind you have the Justin situation, but...

Okay, and another reason I don't want to write this is because it is something that will seem to prove everyone right in this situation when really they are not.

Okay, I am so completely confused right now in regards to my relationship with B. I think I am developing an attraction that I have no interest in every persuing. And I know exactly why it's there. Exactly. It is my stupid girly, traditional side of me. The part of me that wants to boyfriend, and expects it to look a certain way. So,....the traditional side of me is of the belief that because our relationship is of a certain nature, than we should take it further. ...I mean, to be completely honest, the things he and I do are often the things assocated with couples. We go out to movies all the time, and the occasional restaurant. He and I will often have dinner at either his or my place and one of us will make dinner. Quite often we will spend an evening watching a movie or two, and have the occasional glass of wine.

And realisticly he is filling the boyfriend role in myself (with the exception of the physical things). And I believe we have a rather intimate relationship, at least in regards to me,..there has been no one else in my life that I have been more vulnerable with. He is the only person I have let see me cry, and he knows things about me that I wouldn't tell anyone else. And I have often admitted that I hope that I can have this same emotional intimaticy with who ever I end up marring.

So, all of this is confusing my traditional side into thinking that I have a desire to alter my relationship with him, when really THAT IS THE LAST THING ON EARTH THAT I WOULD WANT. No, he and I would be awful together. for one, he wants to 2.5 kids and a dog, and I don't. Two, I've seen how he behaves when he is in a relationship with someone, and I would not want to put myself though that. Three, I forementioned how there is nothing physical between us. It has been long established that (how can I word this right) when I get married, I am going to be a big freak...all these years of built up sexual frustration. ...And truth be told, he is going to be the exact say way (he is a virgin, but unlike me he has done everything but). ...Now then, contray to how all our minds have been warpped by the political correctness of the world right now, Desire is very importent. VERY importent. I'm sure making love is beautiful, and I want to experience it some day. ...I see Sex and being something purely animal and impersonal, being done with someone who you don't even know their name. ....and that is something I never want to experience. ....And then there is fucking. Fucking is getting down and dirty and nasty, bring out the leather and the wrist cuffs and everything of that nature. And as far as I am concerned I only want to do this with my future husband. ....Therefore, if you can follow the train of thought, I will have to marry someone who I want to tie to the bed and be as nasty as I want to be with them. In other words, I'd have to have the desire to do this with them and if I don't then I will be miserably sexually, and unfulfilled my entire married life, and therefore cannot marry my bestfriend. Sure...I what him to have qualities of my bestfriend, but.....

My point is, that I could NEVER see B in a sexual way. I could NEVER do anything sexual towards him, nor could I stand for him to do anything sexual to me. The whole idea of it makes me absolutely sick to my stomach. Therefore I have no desire to alter my relationship with him. But my traditional side is still making me feel like a silly girl with a crush, when in reality I don't have one, it's simply my five year old mentality that I have to constantly have a crush on someone, and since my T crush is going away, ...or I'm slowly forcing myself into the reality of the situation....the stupid girl in me has to find someone to have a crush on, and he is the most 'logical' choice.

...Now this is also an entirely one sided thing. I have no idea if he is conflicted in the same way. I assume not, because clearly there are several other girls he is very close to. VERY close to. The problem is that a few of his family members have made a few intersting comments to me. Of example (whatever the correct title) his brother's father in law, who B is really close to, asked me when I was riding alone with me, if I was interested in anyone. ....And I told him that there was this one guy that I liked, but who wasn't interested, and he asked if it was B, and I told me immedately that it was not. ...It's T of course, and I proceeded to tell him the story. .....the thing is, it just plays with my stupid girl tendency to make things seem like they are something they are not.