Artistic Update
October 24, 2004 2:52 a.m.

And on top of that no one kicks me in the artistic ass like that man. I was really motivated right after he left...but then I was really sick for a month...And then got that one job and was fired...and then started working where I am now...and someone how that caused me to fall back into my pattern of making excuses for myself and not painting. ...Well speaking with him on the phone totally kicked me in the ass (and if there was anyone to scold me for not being productive, it's him!) and every since I've been a good little artist. ...trying to paint almost every night, and refocusing my mind on what I need to do to find art gigs....how my job isn't my purpose...but making art is...and I'll only be happy when I'm making a living at that....and putting things in that regard off are just shameful!

He was telling me how selfish of me it was for not painting....how it's my purpose to shine light on the world and illumante it and inspire...and how there are all those young girls out there who I'm supposed to be inspiring but instead I'm being selfish and lazy and not painting...

So I've been refocusing myself back into the life of an artist. ...Trying to paint every night...or atleast make the attempt. And this is changing my perception of the world around around me. ....Tonight I wrote Mr. Justin an email about the lovely day I had..and I think I shall just post it here, instead of typing it all again.

Mr. Justin

I have a bad tendency to forget how much joy I get from painting. ..Not simply from the process of creation and cathartic release, but also the way it affects how a see the world.

I have a really strong color eye....and it is especially when it's been exercised. For example when I'm working on a painting...I can sit back and just look at the piece and (this is sort of hard to explain) the piece will glow the right color in the position it is supposed to be. So when I stop working on the painting, like when I would be walking back to my dorm from the studio, the world just glows with all these magnificent colors.

But along with that once my artistic eye is focused again I start seeing the most beautiful things everywhere. I was walking to the Java Roaster this afternoon and I passed under a ginkgo tree that's leaves had changed to a glorious golden yellow...and the leaves had fallen all around the base like petals. And as I walked threw the space I was just in awe over how beautiful it was.

Having a day off I decided to take the enjoyment of drinking some coffee and reading some Michael Cisco at Java. ..They usually have music Friday and Saturday nights at 8pm. ..Most of the time I don't like who they have play. ..Whether it is because I just don't like the type of music or that individual or group is just bad. Because the place is so small the music has a tendency to over power the venue, and it is impossible to read once the music starts....so often I leave once it starts. But this evening the guy playing was just amazing! His passion for what he was playing was so intense, and his songs were so lovely, I really enjoyed it and I stayed for a long while. For a point of reference, this was the coffee house I took you to, and he was playing in the little nook on top of the stairs. ...I somehow managed to acquire the couch, and I turned out the light that sits next to it and I just laid back on that soft squishy couch and listened. It was just such a beautiful moment. It was one of those lovely and freeing moments. It was like I was floating. Just relaxing and knowing that this was one of those moments in life where I know for a fact that I'm living in the moment. ...Not trying to secure the future...not trying to move passed the past, but truly existing in the moment. ...and the only consist place I feel that is when I paint.

And I have been painting recently. It started on the day I spoke with you. I brought the piece I have been working one in from the hallway where I placed it to dry...so I could dry and be out of the way. ...but really it's been dry for awhile and I hadn't been working on it. But the piece is now in the living room and I have been working on it a bit almost every night since. Or if I haven't worked on it I at least contemplated what action need to be taken next.

The main problem with the piece is that this working style is very slow. The construction of these types of pieces takes awhile and the painting is a long process, often layering of paint, and changing emphasis as the piece progresses. And I started working on this a good while ago. I was the work in progress that I showed you while you were here. And the thing is I LOVE this piece, The assemblage came together so perfectly that for a while I was worried that painting it would ruin it, but that changed once I started painting....the paint just enhanced it! ...the problem is the assemblage is dealing with very specific emotions and issues that I was trying to work threw when I made it.......And now I'm no longer working threw those issues. and while the time in-between did have something to do with it....I really just woke up one morning and the issue was no longer an issue. ...it's just strange to go back into the piece and bring those emotions to fruition when I'm not in that place anymore. ...So as I'm finishing up this piece I really ready to start another. with this way of working I really need to have 2 or 3 pieces in different stages of production because the production is so slow going. ...But I'm really ready and inspired to start something new!

I was also discussing with a friend this evening about a show that's coming up and I would like to prepare some pieces for that.

It's amazing how the universe is always there with the answers when you decide to listen. ....I think I've just been ignoring them for awhile.....for reasons I don't really know.