anger issues
December 19, 2004 12:16 a.m.

We are all really nice, intelligent, friendly, fun, social and charming people. but put us together and we have such issues.

My parents have such a gift for bringing my horrible side out. I don't know what it is...but I have no paticence when it comes to them,....I dunno....I can't help but snap at the most tiny things.

I'm sure this is derived from my father being an alcholic. He doesn't drink anymore, but sometimes he's behavoir is a bit less then pleasant.

I can't remember all the details of the things they told me but...basicly the addiction causes the addict to only have on main emotion....anger. ...So my father has this tendency to blow up over the tinyest of things. ....Today on our trip to Chicago he started yelling at my mom in the car because he had to get out his wallet to pay the toll. ....See the problem was that they are changing the toll prices so they didn't have any prices posted....My mom kept saying that she ahd the change right there in her hand and read for when we found out how much it was and that he didn't need to get upset or get out his wallet,...but it didn't do any good. And this is quite typical of how things work in my family.

I have a problem that I do the exact same thing.

Now....while I am wrong and I shouldn't do it...my mom does have a tendency to try and do too much. She we try and do everything, and remind me of everything and give me everything....and it just gets so frustrationing. For example say I go over for a visit, pop over with Becky, maybe eat alittle something, watch some tv or a movie and then the moment I've leaving all I get is:

...Raven do you have your bag and did you grab your coat and do you want this mug...and by the way what do you want to do with this coat I found...oh and there is this box in the back corner of the garage that has some things of yours in it what would you like to do with those, I need you to go through it,...and oh how are you doing on food? We have left over pizza and some extra salad and maybe strawberries, and maybe ...yes....we have a piece of chicken. would you like that? I also have some pretty firm bananas if you would like those ...And oh yeah your father and I started our diet again, would you like to have these left over brownies? I just made them, they are pretty good, I just didn't know he would want to start the diet so soon. ...and oh and you do remember we bowl on tuesday right?

Ugh....and I know she means well, and I love her for it,...but she always does this when I walk out the door. ...And this isn't early either...it's like 1:30am or 2! ....and I'll get really frustrated and start snapping, "No! ...No!...I don't Know, not to night, Yes!" ...and I feel bad because I don't mean to be mean, it just starts coming out,.....and I know its because that growing up that was the reaction that was instilled in me. And I'll have these days where someone will provoke me and I will just go of on them and be absolutely horrible. ...And regardless of the fact those things might be true, I really should find away to deliever them in a less hurtful way. ....I start using words and not restraining my tongue and I start being blunt and tactless....and it's just uncalled for. ...It's not my intention to make the person feel bad....I'm just frustrated about the subject or the issue (Not to mention that I've having serious rage issues over the outcome of the election) and I'm wrongly taking it out on the person. Disassociated anger.

I have to rethink this way I handle things. I mean, at work I'm fairly good and supressing things....but once I don't have to...things just come flying out.

maybe I should start attending alanon meetings. ...for whatever reason I didn't attend them while my father was in rehab. I think I'm still in a sort of denial about the whole thing. I also didn't want to go with my mom to a meeting. I don't know why,....I just didn't. But I do need to deal with this,....and maybe that's the way I should do it.