Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

aim conversation
July 17, 2003 2:15 p.m.

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okay so Jeff signed online last night right as I was going to go to bed. ....and call me lame...but I messaged him....I know I know..I was going to wait and let him message me. ...but I couldn't stand it. ...forget regret...and I would have regreted having the option to communicate with him and not take it.

I've only aimed him 2 times previously so I'm still new to his aim speak. ....and he's very concise when he speaks normally ..so while he was using few words........he uses few words...so I didn't see it as a bad thing. And he seemed to be messaging at a very regular pace....where as before he was very slow with his responses.

He told me he's been really busy working...he's been working at the store (I'm assuming the same amount of time) as well as working at his parent's house painting and fixing things.

so that would explain what he was doing on the weekend. ...and his other days off.

But....I'm still feeling very insecure and uneasy. I really want to see him....to see if there's any weird-ness when I'm around him. But I don't know if I can get him this weekend....or next. ...and that really doesn't make me feel very good. it seems awful that I worried about calling him to see if he's available to see me. ...that's not how it should be. He should want to hear from me,....want to see me. wow. should it be this hard?....this confusing? ...I wish I could understand what's going on...and I hate phone conversations. ...I mean some cases it's nice depending on the person and the circumstances surrounding the conversation. but...this is not one of those cases. ugh...I'm supposed to do something with libby tomorrow night for her bday...maybe I see about going home on Sat. and coming back sunday night or monday morning. ....but I will only go if I talk to him.

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