Absinthe
November 15, 2004 3:55 a.m.

I have voice of myself calling me from the past. we bought a bottle of red wine, Cardinal Zin, with a wonderfully prentious label and equally prentious price.

And as I was sitting there reading the label and thinking about it I started to get the feeling that I would enjoy Absinthe. And as I thought about it I could just tell I am the type of person who could get horribly addicted to it. and then I had this image of myself as a bohemian artist....and I don't mean and image as ...ah what a lovely image....it was like I lived it...and I really was extremely addicted to absinthe,...and it keeps nagging at me....like my soul really is addicted to it and remembering those experiences...strange I know.....maybe I'm finally getting to that rebelous phase,...how for the past week I've been talking to everyone about sex, or really wanting to try absinthe, or my romantizing the notion (still) for getting a tattoo. Now, as far as sex goes, I don't want to just have sex with a random stranger, and absinthe,..well if I can see myself addicted to it,...and I know that my family has a high level of addiction,..then that's really not something I should risk, ...and as far as tattoos go...I don't have the money, nor do I have the pain tolerance, especially because I would want it on one of the most painful possible locations.

but I can't wonder about the effects of a hallucinogen, especially given my artistic eye and mind. The artists consumed it to be inspired....maybe I could use some of that, open my mind up and see the world in a new way, allow the muse to show me the world in this new light.

but I have enough issues with combining fantasy and reality

now dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, the serve for sweet release
when fantasy.....and reality.....lie ...to far ....apart.
~ Fiona Apple

hell, I live in my head far to much as it is. I form caring relationships with those beyond my reach, fantazing what if's and living in them. Something I've always done.

Did I just say that I only fall for those I can't touch,...and wonder why all the guys I want run from me?

I've had days where I just laid in bed not really awake, not really asleep ...lost in some fantasy because I would rather be there than here.

I can only imagine what drugs would do for this,...my guess it would enhance it...and thus make the problem worse.

it doesn't do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

I can only imagine what reading Cisco would be like on drugs. I'm sure very terrifying. it's one thing to ride horse back with a super psychic into Hell for battle...knowing that it is in fact a book, and I'm sure another thing to actually live it. Wow, the Cisco imagery is so real as it sits here with me....I can imagine actually being there...that's so terrifying!