Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

3 Ropes
July 30, 2003 2:30 a.m.

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My mind is a complete mess right now.

I really feel like that I'm multiple mental loops coming out of me. I'm being pulled in 3different directions from ropes tied to each. But the process hurts. ....they are all hurting me. It's almost as if for some reason I'm attached to them as well and they are pulling away from me.

the ropes are:

1. I think I've been spending too much time with my friend Libby. Yesterday we road tripped it to Indy and then to my parents house. The situation with her is becoming weird. and I've been thinking about it non stop since yesterday. I have never been concerned with how much money someone has or does not have. I think the situation has been bothering her lately. She has made it know that she is not very materialist. ..And also how she grew up very poor. ...so basicly she just learned to do with out....and it's almost like she is taking a lot of pride in her lack of materialism. I'm almost wondering if underneath it all she is very bitter about it......certain things she says and eludes seem almost like she's trying to make me feel bad for having things. .....as if she's superior to me because I value my movie and cd collections.

2. At the same time it almost seems like she is trying to pull me away from my other friends. ....Part of the reason I've been spending so much time with her is because she's available. B and C both work until 10pm. ....so if I want to do something in the afternoon or evening....she's one of the few people availble. And she really doesn't like C. I think she's trying to convince me that C is a selfish, manipulative, cold hearted bitch that I don't want to be friends with. ...And that B is a disceitful hypocrite. and in some respects I've been agreeing with her. I mean...in regards to C I give to her far more than she gives back. And B is materialistic and judgemental and sociopathic ....who doesn't seem to care much for her....and I can't help but wonder if the attributes that I have learned from him have made me a better person or a worse person.

3. And given all this there's only one person I want to talk to. ....I want to talk about the active role God seems to have taken in my life recently....I've been hearing his voice so loudly, and I'm just grasping out trying to understand everything......and I just want to talk to Jeff. But the bastard in true male fashion (I have enough male friends you'd think I'd understand them better!) has decided not to return any of my calls (and it's not like I've called a lot) in what I can only assume is a cowardly and passive agressive attempt to cut me out of his life. ...God forbid he call me or meet with me...or even email with the news that he doesn't want anything to do with me. .....And this totally comes out of left field. I would not expected this from him....I mean I was paranoid that it would happen ..and then once I seemed to calm my fears on the subject it happens. The last time I saw him I made a comment that my hair was a mess and he just grabbed me and kissed me so passonately ...and then said that it didn't matter. ....what in that would lead me to believe he would not want to see me again after that?......So the only person I want to talk to doesn't want to talk to me.

I'm just so lonely and confused right now. I just don't feel comfortable anywhere anymore. .....and then I remember how nice it was in Jeff's arms and how there's no where else I'd rather be. and I then I remember that I can't call him and that he won't call me....and that I can't see him because he's avoiding me. Ugh...it's the horrible circle that my mind can't break out of.

Tie in the fact that my reading of Fingerprints of the Gods

is causing me to question everything I've ever been told about the history of man. It's like I've entered into a different reality. I'm not supposed to be here. I somehow got sucked away from my world where I'm happy and I love all my friends and they inspire me and in that same world Jeff and I are continuing the wonderful that I thought we had.

Maybe this is just another sign that I'm growing up. loss, change, seperation, and my first real ligitamate heartache. I'm reminded of a song by The Normals Titled: Innocence. go give it a listen (it's on the home record). I think I'm going to go and ache and be miserable some where else...most likely my bed.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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