Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Panic Attack?
June 25, 2003 3:20 p.m.

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So I had a horrible panic attack yesterday,....hadn't had one....especially that bad, in awhile. .....a heard racing uncontrolably

I think it was triggered by my dentist appointment...fear of pain combined with the strange drugs.

I relaxed for the hour I was with Jeff. (We just sat outside and talked....it was wonderful....he is wonderful.....I'm starting to really like him. ....I just look up at him and think....."Wow, I really like you". ...I just wish I was a better kisser.)

...but it came back right as I drove away...and driving during a pantic attack is no a smart idea. I ended up driving a half an hour in the wrong direction....and ended up having to turn around in a not so good area. and then at another point I got off at the wrong exit.

during the half an hour that I was driving back to the right road, I called my friend Becky because I was absolutely freaking out. I needed to talk to someone. I was playing some belle and Sebation which is nice mellow music (one of becky's favorite bands so she approved).

So I told her all about the situation with B. he's going in for a colanoscapy Friday. So I will soon find out if my best friend has colon cancer. .....I did tell Jeff briefly about this....and when we held each other by the back of my car I was reluctant to let go of him,....he made me feel so safe...(I told him that I'm really scared right now and that he makes me feel less scared). Yeah....so I was really freaking out about that....plus combined with all the work I have to do. Ugh

yeah, so my 2 hour drive became 3 and a half. was not pleasent at all.

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