Here is the entry I was planning to write before I was distracted by the pathetic woman who fancies herself a writer and now an artist--and well, God's gift to everything.
But, I digress...
The topic? Quite simply, Dreams. I've been having a lot of them. I can't call them nightmares because they aren't horrific but they are very fucked up. The ultimate cause is my new bed--and now my new pillow. I am convinced they are conspiring against me. Not just with dreams. They have such a tight grip that I never want to leave. Now, they are taking control of my dreams. Little bitches. It's a good thing to fall in to such a deep stage of REM, but it's taking a toll on me.
Last night, I awoke very shaken up and unable to remember the details. Somehow it involved the film Fight Club. I was living it from the prospective of the minor characters. Realizing what Tyler and the Narrator(aka Jack) had done to all these people. What those people had become. Specifically, Jack's co-worker. He was brainwashed and corrupted. Then, I pictured all those drivers licenses on the door. The "Human Sacrifices". I was appalled by my own lack of empathy. How many times have I watched this? I own 3 copies. VHS, DVD, BluRay. How could I have laughed at everything, the jokes, the social commentary. I was disgusted with myself. I couldn't sleep, I just kept going back to that place.
This afternoon, I realized that in the haze of the dream, I thought it was real. Can you imagine that being real? To stand idly by and watch the antics of Project Mayhem and not giving a fuck about the man who physically and mentally abused these men until they banded together to bring down society.
When I was trying to fall back asleep, I tried to understand why I keep having fucked up dreams. I think it has something to do with how I fall asleep. When I close my eyes I can go anywhere. Some people count sheep. I find myself confronting someone who hurt me. Demanding, Cresting some kind of closure I will never have. Sometimes the conversation changes. Some things remain the same. The clever quips I have perfected by reliving the same fantasy over and over. Why do I do it? Put myself through that torment? These conversations will never happen. I will never have closure, but I still lust for it and relive it ever night. I always remind myself that with an imagination as vast as mine, I could go anywhere. I need to find a way to stop this. Maybe then my dreams will mellow out.
Is there a better time than the present? When I go to bed tonight will I actually try to go somewhere else? I want to believe that I can but I feel I am lying to myself.
At this late hour, I don't have an answer. My bed is calling and I'll find out in the morning.
2:41 a.m. - May 16, 2016
I'm a bit confused by this whole Adult Coloring books phenomenon. I know someone who spends hours coloring a picture and will post an update every hour. She even made a comment how her day was going to be spent with "laundry and art". She decided to draw something and colored it in. As an artist, I find call this art is incredibly offensive. I'm sorry, that's not art, it's just a doodle.
Just another reminder that I need to be painting more. Why has it become the last thing on my list? I should start scheduling at least an hour in my evenings for art. Even if it is just doodling. Warm up the muscles. Get my creative mind and color eye working again.
Maybe not an hour every day. Maybe start with 3 days a week. A reasonable goal.
Ugh working out more and drawing more. Such high expectations.
9:52 p.m. - May 15, 2016
Recent entries:
What Dreams May Come. - May 16, 2016
A doodle a day. - May 15, 2016
Change. - March 17, 2016
Yes, I have returned. - March 12, 2016
Me being overly analytical of Britney and Christina - July 31, 2008
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
Dangerspouse
Astitchaway
Itescapesme
i-am-jack
titsosaurus
littlesins
holdenrevolt
itineration
marianakeyes
ceciliaruns
elegantfreak
progressive
cmyk
quoted
boxer-briefs
fridayfilms
blueapple
hissandtell
vpg
m91879
iwantoomuch
sirilyan
lostincoma
sturge
hedgehoggy
halfdevoured
savecraig
banana3159
sharpwits
flnangel
supercilious
fumblinglust
anexperiment
yeahimadork
dooki
jwinokur